The HARDNESS Charts
by Ken D


(More old bollocks. Anyone remember ANYONE I was talking 
about in this article?) 

The All New
H A R D N E S S
C H A R T S 

They're back. After a break of years and years, the tough 
charts are here again. Taking over where Lord Torch left off, 
this is the definative guide on the *real* lads of the scene.
These are the guys who eat 4 Shredded Wheat; the blokes who 
drink 10 pints for breakfast; the lads who can fart the theme 
tune to Coronation Steet. Curry for breakfast and virgins for 
lunch, these blokes just can't get enough.

1 - Violator/Eltech

Yup, the pierced one is straight in at the top spot. Craig earns 
the number one rating for his spirited defence of the motion that 
"all Geordies are puffs", made by one Ken D on a certain UK BBS. 
Craig immediately lept for the bait, gave a heart-rending speech 
about poverty in the North of England, and brought a tear to the 
sysops eye, before quietly travelling to the East of Scotland and 
setting fire to every Cinema that was showing "Braveheart" at the
time.

2 - Chill/Data Division

Sorry, didn't do anything hard at all, but he gave me a disabled
ratio on his BBS, so he's hard in my books. And he's Scottish too.

3 - Axen/LSD

Hey, have *YOU* got the balls to call long-distance for 20 minutes 
at standard rates? Axen has, so not only is he hard-as-nails, but 
he's also got pots of cash. Marry him immediately.

4 - Reflex/Indy

Winner of my "Wanker of the Week" award on a Voice-Mail system, 
Reflex hits the top 5, despite persistant rumours that he's really 
Ian Paisley's love child.

5 - Mic Flair/Eltech

As the sysop of a top UFO & Alien-related BBS, Mic was recently 
targetted by some wayward extra-terrestials. Whilst "Our Micheal" 
(as they say in his area) was tapping away at the keys in a talk 
session with a regular caller, the mischievous green men scanned 
his hard drive, discovered exactly what everyone here has been 
saying about him, and zapped his modem as a subtle form of revenge.

Of course, Mic's now out for revenge, so be sure to download his 
latest file, "101 Facts About Alien Sex Lives" from your local BBS today.


Would YOU like to be in the hardness chart? Do you think YOU'VE 
got the balls to be ranked among the elite chaps above? You know 
where to write, call or e-mail to.

The Hardness Chart - the only chart that headbutts your best mate.

End.